WHY I HOPE TO DIE EMPTY

This is a guest post by Todd Henry, founder of Accidental Creative. His company helps creative people and teams generate brilliant ideas. He is also the author of the book The Accidental Creative: How To Be Brilliant at a Moment’s Notice.

Several years ago I went through a fairly significant examination of life, work, family, art and where it all was headed. I had just ended a pretty intense season in which I found myself spread thin and a little over-extended, and I knew that I couldn’t sustain the pace indefinitely. Still, it was a critical juncture in my life and career. I was looking for some insight on how to stay engaged and keep moving forward.

During that season, I was in a meeting in which a South African friend asked, “Do you know what the most valuable land in the world is?” The rest of us were thinking, “Well, probably the diamond mines of Africa, or maybe the oil fields of the middle east?”

“No,” our friend replied, “it’s the graveyard, because with all of those people are buried unfulfilled dreams, unwritten novels, masterpieces not created, businesses not started, relationships not reconciled. THAT is the most valuable land in the world.”

Then a little phrase popped into my head in such a way that it felt almost like a mandate. The phrase was “die empty.” While it may sound intimidating, it was actually very freeing because I was suddenly aware that it’s not my job to control the path of my career or what impact I may or may not have on the world. My only job—each and every day—is to empty myself, to do my daily work, and to try as much as possible to leave nothing unspoken, uncreated, unwritten.

I made a commitment that if any given day were my last I wanted to die empty, having completely divested myself of whatever insight or work was in me to share on that day. As I began to apply this principle to relationships, art and work, I felt a measure of peace even in the midst of busy times. Once I realized that I only have influence over the work that’s in front of me, I stopped trying to control things that were beyond my grasp.

I still have long-term goals, and I think they’re essential. (I just checked one off my list by publishing my first book!) But long-term goals can become paralyzing if we fail to realize that we accomplish them one day at a time, or more precisely one decision at a time, as we choose to engage in the work in front of us. Novels, businesses, and masterpieces are nothing more than a collection of choices someone made to empty themselves each and every day. The creative process is a daily assault on the beachhead of apathy.

I’ve noticed a pattern with creative and productive people that if we neglect our ideas for too long, a divide can emerge between what we think we should be doing and what we’re actually doing. This creates an angst, or a perpetual state of discontent that prevents us from being able to fully engage with our priorities. We may get bored, frustrated, or assume a victim mindset as we look for excuses for why we’re not doing our best work. It’s much easier to fantasize about what we might do someday rather than to get it out today, be it good, bad or ugly.

To that end, one method for emptying yourself, especially if your day job can’t contain all of your ideas, is to set regular time to create things for the sheer joy of it. I call this “unnecessary creating” because it gives you permission to express ideas that don’t neatly fit into your daily create-on-demand work. If you leave this unrealized work inside it can eventually cause you to resent your day-to-day work, and over time it can eat away at your soul.

What do you need to empty yourself of today? Is there a project that you’ve been waiting to begin that seems too daunting? Take a small step today to get the ball rolling. Is there a conversation that you need to have, but have been waiting for the perfect time? Pick up the phone. Is there an idea that you want to execute but there’s no room for it in your create-on-demand role? When you get home tonight, get moving on it.

Life is very short. The question is, will you die full of unexecuted ideas or will you die empty? It’s your choice.

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IMPORTANT DIFFICULT WORDS

Many words in the English language are difficult. In fact, there’s even a Dictionary of Difficult Words. But none are more difficult than these: “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”

Many otherwise articulate people seem to have great difficulty in spitting these words out. They hem and haw. They stutter. They may get something close out, but they have a hard time slowly and deliberately saying these ten simple words.But each one of these ten words are important.

1. “I’m sorry.” Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in another person’s shoes andfeel what they feel. This is something we desperately need to develop. But it takes humility.

   Too often, we are preoccupied with our own feelings. However, empathy is the recognition that it’s not all about us. Other people matter. They have feelings, too, and those feelings are important

   By saying we are sorry—sincerely and with authentic humility—we validate them as human beings. We are essentially saying, “I know you are hurt, and I understand. Your feelings are valid, and I am sorry that I am the cause of them. I’m not sorry because I got caught or because you called me out. I’m sorry because of the hurt that I caused you.”

2. “I was wrong.” This the most difficult sentence of all. Perhaps we live with the mistaken notion that we never do anything wrong. Or perhaps we just think the other person should “give us a pass” because somehow we deserve it. But the truth is, we all make mistakes. If we are not guilty of sins of commission (i.e., deliberately doing something that offends others), we are guilty of sins of omission (i.e., failing to live up to others expectations).

   One of the great things about being a moslem is that I have been released from the need to pretend I am perfect. No, I am a sinner, and I need forgiveness—from God and from the people I offend.

3. “Will you please forgive me?” This is one of the most powerful sentences we can ever utter. By asking this as a question, we acknowledge that forgiveness is not an entitlement. We don’t deserve forgiveness; we are asking for it as an act of mercy.

   This also acknowledges that it is a choice on the part of the other person. They may withhold their forgiveness. Perhaps they are not ready to make up. They may need some space. But, in my experience, almost always the other person says, “I forgive you.” With this simple sentence, both of us are healed.

We may be tempted to take shortcuts. We could simply say, “I apologize” or “Sorry.” But nothing is quite as effective as saying all ten words. It may seem awkward or artificial at first, but with practice it gets easier. And if you are like me, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to practice.

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BEING A BIG THINKER

I certainly understand why. When we are young, parents and teachers tell us we can do anything and become whatever we want. But as we grow older, these same people tell us we must be more realistic.

Pretty soon, their collective voices becomes The Voice in our head. As soon as we have a big thought, we check ourselves: C’mon. Get real. That will never happen. You have to be more realistic. And so it goes. We mistake this for wisdom.

That was the mindset I had until I picked up The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz, Ph.D. This book was originally published in 1959. I read it for the first time in the late 80s. It forever changed my approach to life and work.

Since that time, I have become convinced that thinking big is not a gift, but a skill—one that anyone can develop. It starts by understanding the process and then consistently practicing it.

Here are seven steps to thinking big:

1. Imagine the possibilities. Give yourself permission to dream. I remember doing this when I was writing my first book. I imagined what it would be like to be a bestselling author. I thought about what it would be like to see my book on the New York Times best sellers list.
2. Write down your dream. This is the act that transforms a dream into a goal. Amazing things happen when you commit something to writing. I don’t fully understand how it works, but I have experienced it first-hand again and again. The phenomenon is explained in a very compelling book by Henriette Klauser called Write It Down, Make It Happen.
3. Connect with what is at stake. This is your rationale. Unfortunately, it is a crucial step that people often omit. Before you can find your way, you must discover your why. Why is this goal important to you? What will achieving it make possible? What is at stake if you don’t? What will you lose? Your rationale provides the intellectual and emotional power to keep going when the path becomes difficult (which it will).
4. Outline what would have to be true. Rather than merely asking how to get from where you are to where you want to go (strategy), I like asking what would have to be true for my dream to become a reality. For example, when I set a goal of hitting the best sellers list, I realized that I would have to write a compelling book, become its chief spokesperson, get major media exposure, etc. I started with the dream and worked backwards.
5. Decide what you can do to affect the outcome. This is where you transition from the big picture to daily actions. This is where people often get derailed. They can’t see all the steps that will take them to their goal. So rather than doing something, they do nothing. You will never see the full path. The important thing is to do the next right thing. What can you do today to move you toward your dream?
6. Determine when this will happen. Someone once said that a goal is simply a dream with a deadline. A deadline is one way to make the dream more concrete—which is exactly what thinking big is about. A deadline also creates a sense of urgency that will motivate you to take action. Force yourself to assign a “by when” date to every goal. (If you get stuck, ask yourself, What’s the worst that can happen if I don’t hit this?)
7. Review your goals daily. When I was writing my first book, I reviewed my goals daily. I prayed over them. I determined what I needed to do today to make them a reality. It gave me a laser focus, especially when the dream looked impossible—when the publisher called to cancel the contract, when my publicist told me no one was interested in the book, when the publisher ran out of inventory right after the book hit the best sellers list.

Don’t listen to that mocking little voice that tells you to be more realistic. Ignore it. You can either accept reality as it is or create it as you wish it to be. This is the essence of dreaming—and thinking big.

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CHANGE YOUR LIFE STORY

Before attending important meetings, I would wear two t-shirts, hoping that I wouldn’t sweat through both. I strategically selected my clothing, based on which colors would show the least amount of perspiration.

I would also step into the bathroom right before the meeting began, and frantically run hot water over my hands. I would then dry them vigorously, praying that they would warm up. Idreaded having to shake hands with anyone.

At some point, I realized that the problem was not in my body, but in my head. I was telling myself a bad story. Mine went like this:

You are too young for this job. Worse, you don’t have the experience. Who do you think you are fooling? It’s just a matter of time before everyone in the company sees it. When that happens, you will be out on the street—right where you should have been all along.

I would never say this out loud, of course. It was just the sound-track that was playing inside my head.

Things didn’t change until I became aware of the story and took control of the narrative. I started telling myself a different story.

I think almost every problem we experience can be traced back to the stories we tell ourselves. There may be a good reason for these stories, but in the end they produce bad outcomes.

It comes down to this: Change your story, change your life.

Let me suggest five ways to take control of the narrative in your head:

1. Recognize the voice in your head. It doesn’t matter where it is coming from (your parents, a teacher, an abusive spouse); just recognize that it is happening.
2. Jot down what the voice is saying. It might be something like:
   • “You’re too young.”
   • “You’re too old.”
   • “You’re uneducated.”
   • “You’re over-educated.”
   • “You don’t have enough experience.”
   • “You don’t have the right experience.”

   This could be literally anything. Listen carefully and write it down word-for-word.

3. Evaluate whether this story is empowering. Is it enabling you to accomplish the outcomes you want or is it preventing you from doing so. Be honest. (Sometimes, people are addicted to their problems and the stories that create them.)
4. Write down a different story. I’m not talking about a bunch of positive thinking mumbo jumbo. I am talking about telling yourself the truth. And often, this is simply a matter of shifting your perspective.
5. Start telling yourself the new story. Every time your inner narrator begins telling the old yarn, stop him. Say, “No! That’s baloney. Here’s the truth.” Then repeat your new story.

Once I realize that this is what had happened to me, I crafted a new story. Mine went like this:

Yes, you are young. That gives you tremendous energy. You also don’t have a lot of experience, which is why it is easier for you to think outside the box. God has provided everything you need to be successful in this situation. Even if you fail, you will learn something from it. You can’t lose; you can only quit. And you most certainly are not a quitter!

This changed everything for me. It didn’t happen overnight, but more quickly than I expected. The physical symptoms gradually disappeared. Now, instead of focusing on the behavior I want to change, I focus on the story I am telling myself.

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LEADING REMOTELY

This is a guest post by Michael Sliwinski. He is the founder of the time and project-management application Nozbe (the task manager I use) and editor-in-chief of Productive! Magazine.

I love my complicated situation. I lead an Internet company based in Poland (Central Europe). Most of our team is located there, with one person in Germany, collaborators in the USA and Japan—and me in Spain. And our customers are all over the world. Leading a company like this is complex but rewarding.

We all work from home. It’s our lifestyle choice. Everyone works the way they want, at the time they want. It gives us all lots of freedom, but it also requires a tremendous amount of focus—and great leadership skills from me. I’m learning as I go, reading this blog every day as well as every leadership book I can find. I’m also a GTD (Getting Things Done) aficionado and this helps, too.


Here are five best practices I’ve learned so far about leading a team remotely:


1. Schedule weekly reviews. In his best seller, Getting Things Done book, David Allen highlights the importance of the 'Weekly Review,' a meeting we should schedule with ourselves to review our past week and prepare for the next one. This is indispensable for ensuring that I am focused and on-task.

Although we’re a small team, my first two team members, my Chief Technology Officer and Customer Service manager, are responsible for day-to-day management of their teams. That’s why every Monday I do an hourly Weekly Review with each of them. This helps us stay focused, summarize last week, and set priorities for the next one.

2. Host a weekly “All-Hands” meeting with the entire team. Every Thursday afternoon we call in for an hour-long conference call where everyone shares how their week has gone so far. This bonds the team and lets everyone know what’s going on. We can also ask questions and just chat. We actually look forward to these meetings every week.

3. Schedule my time strategically. This is really important. Without this you can find yourself being in response-mode all day long, so I decided to divide my day into two parts:

-Before noon is my creative time. My e-mail application is closed. I don’t schedule any phone calls. I work on our strategy, vision, and product. I also write articles, even code a prototype of an app if needed. No distractions, only my work. And sometimes a run or exercise.

-After noon is my responsive time. Now I open my e-mail and get it to “inbox zero”. I prepare feedback for my team, schedule phone calls, interviews, brainstorming sessions, I’m all “at my team’s disposal” now.

4. Communicate through online collaboration apps. We use apps like Dropbox, Google Docs, Socialcast, and our own project-management application to communicate through these tools instead of e-mail. This way everyone is on the same page as to what is going on in the company and on what we all should be working on. E-mail is great, but it wasn’t built for online collaboration. There are better tools.

5. Embrace the fact that control is good, but trust is better. The Germans are fond of saying, “Trust is good, but control is better” I’d say it’s the other way round. Trust is key. I’m trusting my team to do a great job, and I’m doing my best to help them. If someone doesn’t deliver, sooner or later you’ll notice. It’s hard not to. People also work better when they know you trust them.

As a bonus, once a year we meet for a retreat. We all fly to some nice place to spend a week together. We dedicate around three to four hours a day talking about work and bonding and the rest of the time relaxing. These retreats help us get to know one another on a different level and recharge batteries.

I’m also traveling a lot, so whenever I’m close to someone from my team, I try to make sure we meet, eat lunch, or grab a cup of coffee. We need this in-person contact with one another.

Leading a team remotely is challenging, but it is also rewarding. With the technology currently available—and a little intention—it is very doable.

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BEING UNCOMFORTABLE AND GROW

Think you have big goals? Think again. Several years ago, I read an article in Wiredmagazine about a long-distance runner named Dean Karnazes.

Get this:

• He ran fifty marathons in fifty states on fifty consecutive days.
• He once ran 350 miles in three days—without stopping and with no sleep.

• He’s run the Badwater Ultramarathon seven times. It starts in Death Valley, 250 feet below sea level and concludes, 135 miles later, halfway up Mt. Whitney, at 8,360 feet. He won the race in 2004 on his fifth attempt.
• He runs 100 to 170 miles a week.
• He couldn’t find time to run 4–6 hours a day, so he began sleeping less. He currently only sleeps four hours a night.
• His resting heart rate is 39 beats per minute!

I was so inspired by the article, I bought his book, Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All Night Runner and devoured it. I then made a commitment to run my first ever half marathon. I have run one per year ever since.

In another interview in Outside magazine, Dean makes an important point that many of us have forgotten:

Western culture has things a little backwards right now. We think that if we had every comfort available to us, we’d be happy. We equate comfort with happiness. And now we’re so comfortable we’re miserable. There’s no struggle in our lives. No sense of adventure. We get in a car, we get in an elevator, it all comes easy. What I’ve found is that I’m never more alive than when I’m pushing and I’m in pain, and I’m struggling for high achievement, and in that struggle I think there’s a magic.

This rings true for me. I think there are three reasons why you and I should embrace discomfort, whether we deliberately choose it, or it simply happens to us.

1. Comfort is overrated. It doesn’t lead to happiness. It makes us lazy—and forgetful. It often leads to self-absorption, boredom, and discontent.
2. Discomfort is a catalyst for growth. It makes us yearn for something more. It forces us to change, stretch, and adapt.
3. Discomfort is a sign we’re making progress. You’ve heard the expression, “no pain, no gain.” It’s true! When you push yourself to grow, you will experience discomfort.

The bottom line is this: you can either be comfortable and stagnate or stretch yourself—become uncomfortable—and grow. You may think that comfort leads to happiness. It doesn't. Happiness comes from growth and feeling like you are making progress.

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HOW DO YOU KILL 11 MILLION PEOPLE

Today is the official publication date for Andy Andrews’ new book, How Do You Kill 11 Million People?: Why the Truth Matters More Than You Think.

In my years of publishing, I have been pitched hundreds—maybe a few thousand—times. But I could count on one hand the times I heard a book concept and thought, Not only should we publish this. We must must publish this. Now! Given where we are as a country, I can’t think of a more important and timely topic.

In everything he writes, Andy offers perspective that leaves you seeing your world and your life in a completely different way. He mines history for examples and then applies what he has learned to his readers’ lives. How Do You Kill 11 Million People is no different.

Through the lens of the Holocaust, Andy examines how Hitler was able to get eleven million people to march to their deaths with so little resistance. In short, he lied to them. And, sadly, they believed it.

If the truth is what sets us free, we need to ask what it means to live in a society where truth is absent, where we are routinely lied to by politicians of both parties, Wall Street, and the media. What is at stake? Can we survive in such a culture of deception?

Our only hope, Andy argues, is an informed citizenry that demands truth at every level—first from themselves and second from their leaders. We must be able to separate fact from fiction, truth from lies, and hold those who lie accountable.

This is a short book. You can literally read it in less than an hour. But don’t be fooled by it’s size. It’s a little book that could be the start of something very big. It’s a book you will want to read for yourself and then give to others.

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HOW TO FAIL WELL

This is a guest post by Nathan Rouse. He is the lead pastor at Raleigh Christian Community. He and his wife, Erin, have two boys, Ethan and Landon. You can read his blogand follow him on Twitter.

Recently, I made an early morning phone call to one of my direct reports to own a blunder on my part. Not a great way to start the day. If you’ve ever blown it as a leader you know that these conversations are never fun. It’s humbling.

Great leaders hold those they lead accountable. But those we lead must see us as holding ourselves accountable as well. If we expect them to “own it” when they make mistakes, we need to first model this for them.

Here are five principles for owning your own mistakes and failures:

1. Respond immediately. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, “own it” with those involved as soon as possible. Delaying only tempts you to put it off and rationalize why it’s not that big of a deal to share. If your teammates don’t see you owning your mistakes when they come to light, they will question your credibility—and rightly so.
2. Be crystal clear. Be direct and clear about the mistakes you make. If avoiding accountability is bad, half-owning a mistake wrapped in excuses is pathetic. Don’t beat around the bush or sugar coat the issue. Clearly identify the mistake and its implications. This will help bring people up to speed on the issue and enlist their support in what should be done next.
3. Share the lesson learned. Failure is a wasted experience if nothing is learned. Learning a personal lesson is good, but teaching others from your mistakes is even better. It will take some humility on your part, but great leaders know that it’s much more effective to lead out of vulnerability with all of our imperfections than seeking to manage a façade of leadership perfection.
4. Be ready for feedback. Just because you’ve taken responsibility doesn’t mean that people will not want to further process what has transpired. Be prepared for people to share their feedback. Resist the urge to be defensive. A wonderful proverb states that “a soft answer turns away wrath.” It is difficult for people to pour out their wrath on someone that takes feedback with humility. Remember: if you’re committed to “owning it,” this is part of the process.
5. Move forward. If you lead, you’re going to fail, period. It’s part of the job description. Pick yourself up and move on. Earlier in my leadership I would be paralyzed by my mistakes. It would take me forty-eight hours or so to find my leadership equilibrium. High capacity leaders don’t have that kind of time to be wasting by kicking themselves. Keep in mind you’re modeling that you can fail, learn, and move forward.

6. The sad reality is that many leaders run from owning their mistakes because they don’t want to look weak. The irony is that this very avoidance of accountability screams weakness. Strength in leadership comes from integrated character at every level. Make owning mistakes part of your leadership toolbox and you and your team will be the better for it.

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LEADERSHIP STARTS AT HOME

This is a guest post by Kelly Combs. She is a full-time housewife and mom. She blogs atChattyKelly. You can also follow her on Twitter.

Iam not your average leader. My leadership decisions don’t affect the boardroom, but they do the future of the world because I am raising two future leaders. I am a domestic engineer, a home economist, a housewife, a mom. I have found that my leadership at home has taught me lessons that any leader, whether in the board room or the laundry room, can use.

1. If it stinks, change it. This philosophy applies to diapers and to decisions. As leaders, sometimes we may “own” an idea so tightly, that even when shown data that the idea is failing, we keep holding on to it. A leader should be able to change. As Gary Shapiro, president and chief executive of Consumer Electronics Association and co-author of a book on innovation puts it, “Mistakes are OK—hiding them is not.”

2. Time outs are helpful. Sometimes my kids need a time out. A time out helps them refocus and get ready to carry on—with a new attitude. Sometimes I need a break…from my kids! That doesn’t make me a bad mom. In fact, the “time out” makes me a better mom.
3. You need to share. A smart mom knows that arguments in the next room can often be stopped just by calling out, “Share!” A 1991 Mercedes commercial conveyed similar advice. When asked why they gave away a basic safety advance for free, by never enforcing their patent on their energy absorbing car body,the engineer replied, “There are some things in life that are too important not to share.” Good leaders understand the importance of sharing.
4. It’s okay to be “mean.” After I took away my daughter’s dessert in punishment for lying, she said, “I am 100 percent sure you are not my real mom.” The assumption, of course, was that a real mom would never be so mean as to take away a child’s dessert. While my daughter couldn’t see past dessert, I was looking at the bigger picture, her
   2. integrity. Likewise, when my husband gave pay cuts to his entire company, including himself, during tough economic times he won no popularity contest. However, his hard, but wise decision enabled his company to stay afloat, while many other companies went under. Good leaders sometimes make “mean” decisions, but they are for the best interest of everyone.
   3. Leaders know how to follow. My kids love to play follow the leader, knowing before the game starts that they take turns being the leader. In my life, I may be Queen of the Kitchen, but my husband is the one bringing home the bacon. I must respect that. Even if you are a CEO, you still have a board, shareholders, or your client to whom you report. Realize that just like in the game, sometimes you lead, and sometimes you follow.
   4. The future is in our hands. My kids will grow up and leave home one day. My job is to prepare them for that. I won’t always be around to rescue them or give advice. I mentor them now, with the goal that they will know what they should do, even when I’m not around to tell them. A good leader trains his people well, because he knows the importance of raising up new leaders.

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