If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, really loudly, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Mom used to get offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
It's good to have self-confidence. It's just nice to have a reason for it.
A pessimist is a man who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.
Duct tape is like the force - it has a light side, a dark side, and is the stuff that holds the universe together.
69% of statistics are "meaningless as well as undocumented information".........89% of the world's population knows that
If you can read this, you're in range.
I only kill to know I'm alive.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat ruffage!
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
A gaping chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Mashed potatos can be your friend.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.
Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
Hold on to freedom as long as you can, 'cause the girl in your cell might think she's a man.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda' neat.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.
Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
You can't be late until you show up.
Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but give him a case of dynamite and soon the village will be showered with mud and seaweed and unidentifiable chunks of fish.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I may not be fast, but I sure am slow.
In the beginning, there was nothing. And then it exploded...
Don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading drive C?
Disease and famine are stalking the country like two giant stalking things.
